I’m in mourning.
minus the black garb and draped windows.
My divorce being finalized last fall, I decided to take a full year to grieve the loss.
of my life as I knew it
of my marriage
of my plans, my hopes, my future.
To walk through these months noticing how things affect me. What thoughts flit through my head, what emotions surface at odd times.
I have felt angry. How unfair this is! To be put in a position of choosing. To be forced to move forward on my own. The betrayal, the criticism, the pain. Yep, angry.
I have felt critical. I’ve looked at women smiling beside their husbands and thought, “what is he doing in secret that she has no clue about?” I’ve wondered is it possible to ever trust again?
I have felt sad. So tremendously sad over what used to be. That sense of normal that no longer exists. And sometimes I turn to grab it, and realize with a pang that it’s not there. There’s an empty space where normal used to sit.
I have felt relief. In a long sigh that I don’t have to carry the chaos anymore.
I have felt hopeful. The days ahead throwing wide their doors and inviting me into new experiences, new friendships, new community.
And lately there’s been a sort of settling in my spirit. The heaviness I’ve carried slowly dissipating like storm clouds on a summer afternoon, blowing out over the ocean and away from me. I’m able to lift my gaze to see life around me, actually looking at it now. And it’s okay to look. Without the clouds the sun shines and the sky blues.