I bought a new top today, but before you say anything let me just explain why I decided to get it, because I’ve been thinking for a while now about updating my wardrobe and since I worked that extra case last weekend I thought I could put some of that money towards clothes and I just happened to stop by Marshalls this afternoon and found this top on the clearance rack and it fits me just perfectly and I’m thinking I’ll wear it to the birthday party tomorrow night.
I’ve been doing that my whole life.
Explaining my decisions.
I think I learned early on, like as a little girl, that I have to give a reason for why I do what I do. That my decisions can’t be trusted. That my thought process is inferior. I can’t just simply do something because I want to; there has to be a valid reason.
why I bought potato salad instead of making it myself.
why I chose the smaller TV.
why I used Scrubbing Bubbles on the shower tub.
why I hung the pottery bowls in that location.
why I went with green for the kitchen walls.
why I gave five dollars to that homeless guy on the corner.
Oh it’s exhausting! Justifying my actions. Proving that my decisions are valid, are good, are not to be questioned.
I’d be standing there in the freezer aisle having an argument in my head…already reasoning out my purchase before even placing it in my cart.
But do I have to have a reason? A valid reason?
I was shopping with my daughter one evening recently and wondering out loud whether I should buy the more expensive shampoo. She told me, “You should. You deserve it.”
So I bought the shampoo.
I bought chocolate covered almonds…because I like how they taste.
I browsed a used book store…because I love to read.
I spent two hours at the beach yesterday…because I wanted to.
And I bought a green sweatshirt today…because...well, for no reason. Just because.