reality is setting in.
I’m moving out day after tomorrow. Packing up and spending three weeks at my sister’s house 40 minutes away. I’ll be back for my daughter’s birthday weekend, while my husband is out of town, then won’t be back till the holidays.
I can’t believe that 21 years of my life is over. So much worse than growing up and leaving home the first time. I celebrated the ending of my childhood, so excited about the possibilities ahead of me. A whole new life to live.
This is so scary. But it’s even worse because I’m not happy to be leaving this life. This marriage. This home. I like the familiarity, the comfortable routine, the pleasant interactions with my kids, my husband, the friends who come through our door. It’s been my life.
And I can’t believe I’m packing a few things and walking away.
but then I remember why. And I can’t hardly grasp the reality of this.
He doesn’t want me anymore. He is actively pursuing another woman. He cries and hugs me and talks about how difficult this is, how confusing this is. But then she calls his phone and he picks up. He willingly spends a weekend with her. He chats with her frequently, as if he’s just biding his time till he’s free of me.
I’m the reject. The discarded. The left behind.
I’m the unwanted.
And it still hurts so deeply.
I hate changes. I resist changes. I don’t like the process of being uprooted and facing a whole new routine. New house, new neighborhood, new bedroom. My brain tells me I’ll survive the uprooting but my heart feels crushed. And the tears blur the page as my fingers keep typing.
I’ll take my pillow with me. And my favorite sweater quilt. I’ll take my green coffee mug and my green beach chair.
I think I’ll buy a throw rug and a French press for my morning coffee.
My sister is so gracious to open her spare room to me. She showed up on my doorstep not so very long ago when her own world was crashing down around her. She’s been there, done that and is probably the best first step for me right now.
My dreams are lofty. My goals are hopeful. One day my new life will make sense.
but tonight I’m so very sad.